Joseph King was a
tabloid photographer billionaire recording artist and underwear model who made a meager living selling pictures of celebrities to the Megalopolis Examiner everyone adored. One day, while walking to the gas station to buy a lottery ticket working with his favorite charity "Toupees for Bald Eagles", Joe heard a shout. He looked up in time to see the underside of a piano growing closer at an alarming rate a radical fighter jet sky-writing his name. "This is going to hurt..." was the last thing Joe thought.
The hero team known as the Freedom Five and the cosmic entity known as the Wager Master had recently fought on the very sidewalk Joe was now splattered across. Joe's organic matter was now mixed with particles of improbability, which bonded and reformed into BLAH BLAH BLAH, could this be any more boring?! Just think of a badass training montage and put me in there.
Hey there, faithful reader! Yeah, you. The one reading this right now. I'm Guise, and I'm talking to you. What is so hard to understand about this?
Anyway, now that you know my totally sweet backstory, let's talk about what we're going to do. We're going to fight EEEEEEEVIL! Because I'm a hero!
You get your friends together, and you pick your heroes, and BE SURE TO PICK ME! I can't help if I don't get cards on the table. But, and you can trust me on this one, I am awesome.
Heh, these villains aren't going to know what hit them. That is, as long as you do YOUR part and PLAY MY CARDS! I mean, how could you not?
I'm the best.
From the card in the Blister Pack
Guise is a
strange AWESOME hero who breaks the fourth wall. WINS AT EVERYTHING! Joseph King, the Tabloid Photographer Actor Slash Model was on his way to the gas station to buy a lottery ticket Accept a Trophy for "Best Hair" when he was crushed by a falling Piano on the same street where the cosmic entity known as Wager Master had fought earlier that when Joe's organic matter mixed with particles of improbability granting Joe Geeze, what a yawnfest! Look, I'm the best. You can trust me.
Variant: Originally released during the 2015 Holiday Season
Santa Guise is coming to town! He's decking the halls AND decking villains right and left! He has presents for all of his friends, but you can only unwrap them when he says it's OK, so you'd better be on his "Nice" list! And beware: if Guise is incapacitated, the dreaded Green Grosser will enact his latest plot, ushering in his War on Christmas!
When the dastardly Green Grosser declared War on Christmas, Guise knew he had to become the champion that no one knew they needed. Guise himself was not enough - he had to be more. More powerful. More heroic. More jolly. Taking the mantle of his greatest hero, Joseph King became Santa Guise!
Now, Santa Guise is all that stands in the way of the team of ne're-do-wells who wage war as each holiday. But is his holiday cheer enough to save Christmas Day?!
Variant: Originally revealed during the OblivAeon Kickstarter as the $150k stretch reward.
Guise knows how important it is to keep everything pristine. Sleeved cards, bagged and boarded comics, action figures still in their original packaging - heaven forbid anyone ever actually play with them!
Completionist Guise has everything, but will he ever share? Not likely. Those are HIS. Get your own.